I'm done with fighting.
I'm nothing but a net negative to everyone and everything in my life and after the pain subsides, everyone will be better off when I'm gone.
I woke up today and felt peace knowing that it's going to be over.
I no longer have to fight a fight that seems impossible to ever win. When you've lost hope and lost reasons to hope, there is no point. I feel inwardly tortured all the time. My mind is chaos. The only escape and enjoyment for me has been work/creating but I'm at a point now where my mind is so chaotic I can't even focus on that and so I sit tortured confined in inescapable internal turmoil trying to claw my way out.
Part of me feels like I would have been better off to have kept drinking. Peering under the surface to find out what the hell is going on and why I've been like this since as long as I can remember has made things worse and even more hopeless and dire.
For instance, apparently addiction is genetic and once the gene that creates addiction is activated (through trauma) it can never be turned off. In other words, I will spend the rest of my life constantly feigning for something to help escape the noise and chaos; whether that medium of escape be booze, substances, work etc - it means that, if true, I'll never have the ability to healthily relax, enjoy the moment and experience any semblance of internal rest and peace like a normal person.
I will never be able to taste peace and inner solitude.
That's exactly how my experience has been and if there's no fixing that and I can't ever enjoy the fruits of my labour then what the fuck is the point of continuing with this God-awful suffering and dragging everyone else around me down in the process.
That has been my experience. I feel deeply disturbed all of the time. I cannot enjoy time with my kids. Ever. I have no ability to rest and relax and be in the moment and when I try, all I want to do is drink. Booze was the only thing that shut that off.
I didn't ask to be born and I resent the fact that I ever was. Digging into my past and remembering the absolute lonely, chaotic hell my childhood was and realizing the absolute fucking carnage all these things have created inside of me with little to no hope of ever resolving...
When you lose sight of the point of suffering or lose hope that the fight is going to be worth it, it's over. That's how we work. Remove hope, you die. Period. Hope is the fuel to keep going, why the fuck can't people understand that.
People have said to me over the years that because of the pain I've been through and the way I've seen things, it's made me incapable of being motivated and inspired and energized with the stupid shit that drives most people; status, acceptance and approval. What a fucking worthless thing to be driven by; that which is fundamentally rooted in ego, selfishness and insecurity.
If you're so big time why do you need to project your importance with all the stuff and accomplishments. It's nothing but a cover up for insecurities and weakness.
I know it'll be hell for awhile for Jill and the kids but in time, Jill will have no problem finding someone she actually deserves and when that happens and she's living the life she deserves and the kids have a worthwhile father figure in their lives, you'll look back on this period and I'll be nothing but a painful distant memory that you'll be glad is where it belongs; over and in the past. The memories of this era will be a dark shadow of a memory and you will come to a place where you'll know this was for the best.
Everyone will be better off without me.